I have two beautiful kids. (Children) Carolee, and Thomas. The children of my body. I have a Step son that I cherish too, and a couple I have adopted in my heart (Stephen, etc) but that’s just an extension of a miracle God did some years ago, in my life.
I was scared to be a mom. I never talked about it (to anyone) but I was terrified. I thought I would be bad at it (for starters) and I wondered why all these other young women wanted to have children, and I would find myself saying, “I’m never having kids.”
You should have seen the horrified looks I got, when I would say that as a teenager. My supposed defiant attitude, was not really defiant at all. It was a mask I wore, to cover the fear, and the shame, and the humiliation, of not believing I would be a good mom.
I don’t know where Unreasonable fears come from, as their original source is satan (the evil one) but who scatters the seeds of his evil unbelieving, I sometimes have no idea.
See, sometimes masks are worn, because the shame is too unbearable (to endure.) I used to play with matchbox cars and hot wheels. I tried to enjoy my dolls, but I was not much into that, either.
When My daughter was born, I loved her so much, but I was also terrified, of messing up her life. Why did God trust me with blessing, I wondered, and this tiny life? I didn’t deserve it. It was totally his Grace, that I had her at all.
I remember holding her, weeping as she cried, sobbing, and tears running down my face, when I was so tired, and she would not stop crying, and I didn’t know how to fix it. I remember the horror, of sometimes waking up an hour after she did (when she got older) to see her quietly playing in her playpen, and wondered when she woke up.
I got impatient, scolded her, yes even yelled at times. I made so many mistakes, especially in those first 2 or 3 years……(and beyond). It wasn’t until I went to church, and found out how great the responsibility of children really is, that I found myself crying to the Lord for Mercy. When I learned that children are like arrows (in the hands of a warrior) and that God had so much to say about training your children (in Deuteronomy) I was appalled at myself, for how I was failing them.
I began to realize how much influence, we really do have, in our children’s lives. I decided I wanted God to influence them, but I had no idea, where to begin.
One day at a prayer meeting in a very large retreat (Aglow) They said we could get prayer for anything. We were poor, needed security, deliverance, all kinds of things we needed, but the thing I wanted most, was for God to impart to me, how to be a good Mom. I remember how STUPID I felt (notice the word how I felt) as I asked this woman to pray I’d be a good mom. What is she going to think? (my brain screamed!) She is going to think I’m a horrible person, needing prayer to be a good mom. Aren’t all mom’s good moms? Don’t they all have the motherly instinct, to do what’s right?
I felt like a real reject, asking this woman to pray for me. But the heart felt cry was real. It said, “FATHER GOD, I trust you with my children, more than I trust myself.”
So in tears, with my heart open wide, I received All God had for me that day. I’m not going to say I was perfect, but I took the job of mother, as seriously as If I were a pastor of a church, or a ruler of a nation. Because in essence, that’s what we are, when we have children. The Responsibility is huge! Someone’s very soul has been deposited into your care. Who would want a job like that, without the help of Almighty God?
I have peace, I know I did my best and with God’s help, I am confident my children have turned out just fine. They are a blessing, and now they are raising their own children, (with God’s help of course) and they too ask for his help daily, in Prayer.
What a blessing! what a legacy! (to be continued)
With Love, Laura Grace